この記事を読むのに必要な時間は約2分43秒です。
毎日仕事に行きたくない、と朝起きるたびに思っていた1年半前。
池袋西口を抜けた池袋本町1丁目、路地にぎっしり家があるような、部屋から空が幾らも見えない狭いレオパレスに住んでいた。
”裏路地の真ん中で 慣れない景色と好かない匂いに 私は覆われて染まってくんでしょ”
東京ドーム一個分の山の中にポツンと立っている実家から大学で東京に出て、武蔵境という住みやすさの塊みたいな都会もあるのかと学んだ後に、本当の雑多な東京を見ることになった。
10時間ちょっと働いて1時間しかないお昼休憩。
”することは単純でマニュアル通りの生活を 来る日も淡々と過ごしていた”
”路地裏の真ん中で いつもの夕日を薄目で眺めて 胸の内でつぶやいた 『いつまで続くだろう』”
ランチを選ぶ時間すら体力と脳のメモリを使いたくなくてコンビニかマクドナルドで同じものを食べる毎日。
”そういやさそういやさ昨日の夕飯これだった”
本当は語学やってたから、何か海外に関わる仕事がしたかったけど、コロナの影響もあってか、最終面接まで行って手応えもあったのに採用中止もあったし、それでメンタルやられて箸にも棒にもかからず唯一受かったのが当時の仕事。 どうせ、Fラン大卒だし、帰国子女でもないし、私には縁のない世界だったんだと思い込むことにした。
”描いたり想像に 現実味がないから 近づけないよう生きときます”
そんな中で発覚した円形脱毛と体重の急激な減少
そんな時、同期が「私転職サイト登録したーーー」って笑いながらいっていて、私だけがつらいんじゃないんだ、私が弱いわけじゃないんだと吹っ切れました
”誰かがやってきて毒見をするまで待っていた”
海外の就職を調べて、何だかんだで内定もらって、自分のやりたいことに正直に生きてみるか、、、と退職を上司に切り出したのでした
”きっとそううまくはいかないけどさ 試しにちゃんと生きてみよう”
色々あったけど、Fラン大学だったとしても、英語、外国語に関連する大学を出ていたこと、中学からぼんやり考えていた海外での生活を実現できたことは本当によかったしこれを経てチャンスを逃すまいと決断のスピードがかなり上がったと思う
思ったことは忘れないうちにと思い、雑記でした
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